Self:Reflection

All and all, it'll all come to an End. It's just a matter of time before it Happens. So I truly appreciate every moment of Happiness I had. But that's just it. When the story ends. Another story unfolds. That's what I always believe. That Happiness is not long lasting. So neither will Sadness be Forever. 

Think POSITIVE. The world is what you make of it. That's what my mother said. If you are miserable all the time, your world will be filled with nothing but Gloom & Grief. But it's not as easy as it's said. I'm still Trying, but there are times when I just want some emo time. People find it weird that I changes as easily as the wind passes. They find it even strange that I will even want to be emo sometimes. I guess I'm just so used to it. That it has became apart of me, the emo-ness. --------------The vitality to my survival. A feeling that keeps me inspired. Keeps me alive. So there's really nothing wrong when I'm in this mode. I just choose to be. You can't be Happy 24/7. And me, when I'm tired, I just want to remain silent. Retreat to my own sanctuary. The place where I feel safe. No one but me.

Perhaps there's a truth in what ''he'' said about me. He said: "I thought you don't bother what other people thinks about you, and with that meaning you don't care what others feel because of you too". That's when I realized how selfish I've been. Choosing to live in ignorance and refuse to acknowledge their thoughts and their feelings. 

他说，我所谓的“觉得”，所谓的“认为”都是我自己想的。看了《下一站，幸福。》。我开始反省自己过去做的决定。口口声声是为了对方好才这么做。可是到后来。一切都是向着我的利益着想。所以我也是自私的。我总是“觉得”别人喜欢上我，都是他们一时的“错觉”。打从一开始我都已经抱着那种念头了。所以在他们说喜欢我，让我给他们机会的之前，我早已经把他们定为“不可能”的对象了。

事实上，我并没有想谈恋爱的念头。渴望爱？或许吧。可是，我还是觉得，自己还不懂得真正去爱一个人，perhaps I can just put it this way. That I'm not ready for Love. 所以不管别人对我多好，给我多少的关心，多少的呵护。在我的心，他们都是朋友，只是比朋友多一点在乎，多一点care & love me. And that's all.

我想了想，我才发现，我是多么的需要你。就算我时常give you the cold shoulder. Getting mad at you for no reason. You're the one I keep going back to for comfort. For a PEACE of the mind. You're my best friend after all. If I don't trust you. I don't know who else I'm gonna trust. But then again, I'm a naive girl. Who trusts much too easily. That a single Lie could break my heart. I guess even when my heart is Cold. It's still Fragile inside.

昨晚问“他”，为什么不管我对他们多坏，他们还是选择对我好，也不讨厌我？” 换成是女生，早就跟我绝交了。“他”回我说：“也许是异性的关系吧，没办法生气我，更没办法那样对我。换成是男生，也会跟他们绝交。” 那样说来，对异性的待遇，会比较好吗？就像我对异性的朋友也比较好？

还有一个问题就是：“你为什么总是一种冷漠的样子？就总是苦着脸，也不以这样说啦，就是。。。你不可能从以前都这样了吧？” 我回他说：“就是一副心事重重的样子对吧？我是从以前都这样啊，哈哈。” 习惯就好咯。

Speaking of which, perhaps I need to explain myself on this. The reason I seem to have a lot on my mind. It just seems as though I know too much. FAR beyond my AGE. That there are times when I just don't wanna know about it. Don't wanna think about it. When it's none of my concern. None of my duty to worry about it. Yet it's in my head. And I know all too well about it. As thou I'm like an ADULT caught in a CHILD's body. 

At least I can THINK like one, I just don't ACT like one. The refusal to acknowledge that I know what's RIGHT & WRONG. But how I want it to be. I don't wanna grow up. I just wanna live in Neverland. And let the rest decide for me. Be it the adults? Be it the hands of fate. It doesn't really matter. I just wanna be a KID for now. And perhaps the reason why I can't stand immature people. A single REACTION of yours could make me CROSS you out of my life. Not totally, but perhaps giving you the Yellow card. I'm still trying to treat people BETTER. But I seriously think People needs to get Better too. 

I'm tired of being the WISE one, I'm tired of being the COUNSELOR everyone turns to, I'm tired of being the girl that seems to KNOW-IT-ALL. Cause I don't know EVERYTHING. I don't have the EXPERIENCE, I only have the THEORIES. The reason why my Practical sucks, and my EQ that is actually very low, the reason why I'm not good at Communicating, even worse in Socializing. I don't mind people treat me like a little girl actually. But I need them to understand. That this little girl is not as innocent as she seems to be.